Daddy's Journal

not going to compromise
Why is it that vanilla friend's think that a) something is wrong with you or b) they can "change" you back? My vanilla friend, Michelle, just keeps asking about the possibility of "us" no matter how many times I tell her that we can only be friends as the "vanilla" lifestyle is just too unfilling. So, today, she calls to chat and decides that this is something that can be "fixed" - that she can change me back if I have sex with her. It's her belief that I never had good "vanilla" sex and if I would just let her "show" me good vanilla sex then I would never need "kink" as she calls it. Why do some insist that is possible? Like it is possible to change the key fundamental element of who you are? Although I have nothing againt homosexuality or bisexuality (I love my other to be bisexual even though I am straight) - I have friends that are and they laugh because they tell me that they hear the same thing but 1000 times more often.

Yes, I have had and will continue to have mind blowing vanilla sex. But, what makes the vanilla sex mind blowing is not necessarily what I am doing but rather who I am with - my dirty lil girl who I can spank, teach, tie up and make my lil cum slut at any time but one that is also my good girl - one that will cuddle up nice and tight next to me while sleeping. IF, for some vanilla sex is all they want - fine - but why characterize my needing more - in all areas - mental, physical, emotional - as being "wrong" as I know that a vanill relationship will never be fulfilling.

Today, I tried to joke it off with Michelle without getting into it too much - 1) didn't want to try to explain myself again to one who does not want (refuses) to understand 2) didn't want to hurt her feelings and 3) know nothing is going to convince me othewise. I know who I am. I know there is nothing wrong with my feelings, wants or desires. I don't have to advertise them to anyone - explain them to anyone.

Recently, my single friends, like Michelle, who are mostly female and becoming fewer and fewer as time goes on and are ALL on a "husband hunt", are telling me all these stories / plans of how they are going to find their happiness - as if their happiness is solely contingent on having a husband and kids. Nonetheless, as their friend I willingly listen to their storiies about what's happening to them when they go to all these singles mixers, singles bars, gourmet clubs, single wine tastings, blind dates with friends of co-workers or the children of their parent's friends, etc. Though I have to admit some are hilarious - like the 55 year old former manufacturing rep who tried to pick up Michelle (she's 29) last night at another single's mixer. From what I can remember - hard to listen as I was laughing too hard - his name was "Marv - for marvelous" and he kept saying "slow down baby - you're burning me up inside" when she was on the dance floor dancing. But what is even funnier is that after they tell me another story of the most abysmal, boring waste of time they had they then tell /ask me that I should go with them the next time - that I should meet their friend "x".

My other friends - who are for the most are all married but ironically now find themselves un-happy & unfullfulled, also can't can't accept the fact I don't care that I'm not married yet - raising my kids already - fitting into their "mold" of life even though they say they want me to find happiness. It's not like my not being married and having prevents me from doing things with them - still go out to dinner with them - play with their kids (my god children) - go on vacations with them. The only difference is that I'm single.

Even my parents are in on the "it's time to settle down" parade. If I wanted their life styles, I could have been married and started having kids a long time ago but I didn't because I knew that it would NOT make me happy. I want MY happiness - My way - it's My life.

But, by far, the most frustrating part is that although I know what will make my life "complete" is finding / meeting the "one" that feels the same way as I do. Holding nothing back from me - to be completely open, honest, creative and confident enough to trust that, between us, there are no taboos - so that we can become "one" together.

Hard to explain to my vanilla friends and family that I don't want to compromise - refuse to compromise again - eventhough I tried that before and which they all (friend and family) not only witnessed but, of course, resulted in disasterous results.

Current Mood: frustrated

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